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Author: Swedish Fish

Classification: RP fanfic / crazy

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Robert Patrick goes to Cuba


Author’s Notes: At the end

Eventually Robert Patrick developed into being bored of the quilting magazine and angrily threw it through the window.

Suddenly, he heard something that sounded like an exploding cattle, so he ran outside to see what had happened. It turned out that the magazine had landed right on top of the Chinese guy, causing him to develop arm cancer and faint. Robert Patrick didn’t really care and was about to go back inside, but he took a closer look at the Chinese guy.

“Wait. This isn’t a Chinese guy at all--this is Richard Simmons!” Robert Patrick screamed unappreciatively. He was quite confused for 4 minutes and 17 seconds, and then he went into shock. He panicked and shoved Richard Simmons under the couch.

Robert Patrick hid under the welcome mat in his doorway for a while, and then he got an idea. He packed an extension cord, a birdcage. a salamander, and a scanner and hopped on the school bus.

After a few minutes, the school bus arrived at Cuba, where it dropped off Robert Patrick. He figured now that had all of a sudden mysteriously left his home and moved to a foreign country without informing anyone. No one would be suspicious of him. Anyways, he had all that he needed with him, but unfortunately he didn’t. So, he had to move into an apartment that was made out of recycled materials. He was introduced to his roommates--a goat, a magical pocket calculator, and Janet Reno. They lived in a small decaying room that was made out of cabbage and play dough. There was a small bowl of translucent beige water full of worms in the corner that was a sin, toilet, bathtub, refrigerator, hospital, pants, food, and swimming pool. The water was replaced every 72 days. There was also no floor.

Robert Patrick decided to set up the scanner and scan the salamander. That was fun for a while, but the calculator ate the salamander and the scanner. So then he p[ut the extension cord in the birdcage, which was breathtakingly exciting. Sadly, the extension cord died.

Robert Patrick was mourning it’s death when Janet Reno came over and sat next to him. “Hey there.” she said.

“...Hi,” mumbled Robert Patrick.

“Your name should be Campbell’s ‘cause you are mm-mmm good.” Janet Reno declared. Robert Patrick was shocked and began to move towards the window. “Where do you think you’re goin’?” yelled Janet Reno as she grabbed onto his arm. Janet Reno gave him a big wet kiss on the lips.

Robert Patrick ran straight through the wall and fell down 75 floors into the ocean. Fidel Castro was standing near the shore.

“Hey! You cannot leave Cu-ba!” he explained kindly while screaming.

“But Janet Reno kissed me!” Robert Patrick explained.

“Get out of here! QUICKLY!” yelled Fidel Castro.

Robert Patrick swam to Canada as quickly as he could, which took about 73 years. He finally arrived in New Orleans, Ontario, a few days before he moved to Cuba. He moved into a birdhouse and started an environmentalist taxidermy organization. Everything was going well until he got a call inviting him to the Jerry Springer Show. Robert Patrick agreed but then he forgot. But then he remembered again and went to the show.

Suprisingly, the topic was ‘Cheating Lovers Confess’. The crowd was meaninglessly chanting stuff and cheering for a long time, and then Janet Reno came out. “I need to confess to my boyfriend that I have been cheating.” she said. The crowd gasped in disbelief.

“Then let’s meet your boyfriend,” said Jerry Springer. Richard Simmons walked onto the set and sat down.

“I’ve been cheating on you,” said Janet Reno. The crowd gasped in disbelief again. Then they started chanting the word sausage. The mailbox was gone forever. Robert Patrick walked onto the stage. Janet Reno ran towards him to give him a kiss, but Robert Patrick stepped aside and she ran into the wall. Robert Patrick noticed Richard Simmons.

“How’d you get here? I thought you were under the couch!” complained Robert Patrick.

“But you forgot to check the jar of mayo in the medicine cabinet!” answered Richard Simmons. Everyone laughed.

So Robert Patrick moved back into his little cabin in New York City, Texas, on the top of a hill in a flower field surrounded by a white picket fence where bunnies and rabid giraffes happily frolicked in the fields. It was the beautiful month of Novembuary and all of the stop signs were blooming.

He was so happy to be back home that he sat on the couch. He had his new issue of Czechoslovakian Quilting. He was just about to start reading it, but he decided to get a glass of water first. He went to the sink and turned on the water. Suddenly a Chinese guy came out of the faucet.

The End

This has been a Flying Fish Production

Authors Notes

Any resemblance between the people or events in this story is just a coincidence and is very sad. This story is official copyrighted material of the Flying Fish Incorporated Company Corporation Organization. Any copying, broadcasting, faxing, cooking, publishing, reading, insulting, eating, or changing of this material without express written consent of the author is expressly prohibited. If you do so, you will receive the death penalty by electric chair in New Mexico. Flying Fish Incorporated Company Corporation Organization is an official trademark of a certain organization which does not currently have a name.