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Title: Cauliflower + Ebola = Oklahoma!

Author: Swedish Fish

Classification: RP fanfic / crazy

Rating: PG-13

Summary: A Chinese guy stalks Robert Patrick


Author’s Notes: The Chinese guy in this story is not meant to offend Chinese people. I also know nothing about Robert Patrick.

Ok kids. Get ready for an exciting story....

April 42, 2001

Chicago, Kentucky

One day, Robert Patrick was sitting in his living room reading an exciting issue of ‘Czechoslovakian Quilting Magazine’, when suddenly, out of nowhere, some Chinese guy appeared behind him. Robert Patrick turned around and looked at him unapparently.

“What are you doing here?” Robert Patrick yelled.

The Chinese guy ran into the basement, so Robert Patrick just shrugged and continued reading the quilting magazine.

A few minutes later the telephone rang, so Robert Patrick answered it. It was the Chinese guy.

“Where are you?” Robert Patrick asked uncooperatively, therefore the Chinese man hung up. Robert Patrick was going to check the basement because he saw the telephone cord was being dragged down into the basement, but the quilting magazine was so thrilling he couldn’t put it down.

A couple of minutes later, a package arrived in the mail. Robert Patrick opened it, and out popped the Chinese man! Robert Patrick jumped back creatively.

“How did you get in that box?” screamed Robert Patrick angrily. The Chinese guy just stared at him for a moment before he ran into the hallway.

“Get back here so I can kick your ass!” yelled Robert Patrick, chasing after him. The Chinese guy ran upstairs, and before Robert Patrick got up there, the chinese guy had already hidden. Robert Patrick looked everywhere, and was sure the Chinese guy had jumped out a window or something. Frustrated, he went downstairs and went on his computer to check his e-mail.

When he logged on, he saw that he had one new message from ‘ChineseGuy@robertpatrick’ The message said, “YOU FORGOT TO CHECK THE JAR OF MAYO.”

Robert Patrick suddenly remembered that he had forgotten to look for the chinese guy in the jar of rotting mayo in the medicine cabinet.

Suddenly, the printer began to print out something. It was the chinese man! Before Robert Patrick could say anything, the chinese man grabbed the czechoslovakian quilting magazine and jumped into the basement. Robert Patrick was deeply disturbed by this and went into the freezer.


Kentucky, Chicago

A day later, Robert Patrick got out of the freezer to find that the Chinese man was outside playing on the swing set. Robert Patrick refreshingly remembered the quilting magazine being brought into the basement. He fell downstairs and realized his basement had turned into a Korean Ice Cream Parlor. No- wait- that never happened you idiot. It had turned into a Chinese square dancing competition that never happened.

Robert Patrick looked and looked, but the quilting magazine was nowhere to be found. It was gone. Or was it? Yes, it was gone. Was it really lost forever? Yes. Lost forever. Will it be forgotten in the dark shadows of forgetfulness? Okay- shut up.

Robert Patrick wept for several seconds until he saw the chinese guy in the washing machine. Robert Patrick picked up a rather large frozen fish out of the clothes basket and walked p to the chinese man.

“Give me back my quilting magazine!” he demanded in a cardboardy voice. The chinese guy shook his head. The fish had melted faster than a sewing machine, so Robert Patrick threw it upon the chinese man. He began to cry, and Robert Patrick felt sorry for him.

“If you give me back my magazine, I will take the fish off of you,” he offered.

The chinese man handed Robert Patrick the magazine, which caused him to jump around like a crazy old can of refried beans. He ran upstairs and continued reading his beloved quilting magazine.

Septuary ~//, 2001

New York City, New Mexico

After three years, Robert Patrick was still reading his magazine, and the chinese man was still in the basement with the decaying fish on him. Or was he..........


Part 2 coming soon!